Facing Fat Isn't for Sissies

My battle with weight goes WAAAAAY back, starting with a fat childhood, ups and downs through adolescence and college, and eventually maintaining a normal weight for the past 15 years (although, as Dr. Phil would say, I did a lot of "white knuckle" dieting to maintain it). Lately, I've gained a lot of weight fast (see previous blog entry "Working the Night Shift") and boy, am I conflicted. Part of me wants to jump on this like a Master's Thesis: research it, study it, plan it, edit it, present it brilliantly, and emerge victorious. The other part of me wants to take a break from worrying about my size for a while and find satisfaction in something more "important." But can you really focus on something else when you feel so undeserving and disappointed inside? And is there anything more important than establishing a healthy relationship with your body?

Like most of life's challenges, fighting fat teaches you lessons about much more than the lard on your butt. It's not been fun to walk around with these extra pounds lately. It's like living in a padded shell with no hope. For a while, I got to feel "normal" and sometimes even superior because I could maintain a normal weight, but as the rest of the country gets fatter, I'm finding myself joining them. We're all getting older, slowing down, and eating more, and the solution to that equation is bigger bodies and buying your clothes in sizes that begin and end in "X".

Part of my successful weight loss was tied to bigger goals about life, career, and relationships and it came at a time when I had a "fire in my belly" (so to speak) to make something more out of myself. Now, a decade and a half later, I've accomplished quite a lot and that same desire isn't burning as hot. And to make things worse, my doctors don't seem too alarmed and my boyfriend loves my body! It's tough to tap into that internal drive that moves you toward a dream, especially when it's buried underneath too many layers of satisfaction, contentment, and indulgence.

So, I am once again carrying too many pounds around with me in the world and I am trying to figure out why I feel the need to bring them along. The additional pounds also come with burdensome thoughts that threaten to keep me hidden. Here are some demons I'm wrestling with now:


Fifteen Things About Being Fat

15. You get to eat anything you want (Duh-uh!)
14. M&Ms and ice cream are easy. Setting goals and working toward them is hard work.
13. You can blame any disappointment on your weight rather than the actual cause.
12. You don't have to worry about anyone noticing you when you enter a room.
11. As long as someone makes a larger size, you can find something to wear.
10. Any feeling can be covered up by a snack.
9. Your plans for the evening require no imagination -- or movement.
8. In today's society, there's always someone fatter than you.
7. Food is the perfect solution for boredom.
6. You can judge thin people as superficial and too obsessed with their
looks without actually knowing them.
5. So many scones, so little time.
4. Feeling too fat is a great excuse for missing a social event.
3. If people are nice to you, you can assume it's not because of your looks.
2. You don't have to worry about being tempted to cheat on your relationship.
1. As long as you fret about losing (or not losing) weight, you never have to focus
on a bigger goal like, say, fighting injustice, curing disease, or making
something more out of your life.