Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Leavin' On A Jet Plane

General observations about flying in America:
  • The TSA either offers their employees Starbucks-like customer relations training or really good drugs 'cuz I've never seen 'em so friendly.
  • Despite the air of incredible boredom between most travelling couples, it is actually a good thing to travel together. Lots of problem solving and chances to talk about stuff other than who's making dinner or how the crusty socks got under the bed.
  • Happiness is spelled E-X-I-T R-O-W
  • There are some weird-ass looking pieces of luggage out there. Today, I admired a faux leopard-print pillbox cosmetics case paired with a fuschia polyester carry-on -- toted by a middle aged man wearing a baseball hat.
  • I want to be the guy who drives the golf cart-like vehicle with the yellow light and siren who doesn't seem to be going anywhere or carrying anyone. One such driver appeared to be touring the length of the B terminal, offering bites of his dinner to co-workers. How can I get paid for that?
  • Why would anyone live in Atlanta? Even the passageway from the plane to the terminal was like a goddamned blast furnace -- at 9:30 PM!
  • For their endurance of air travel, we should give children one of two things: a gold medal or a tranquilizer. If you can't tell which child needs what, I'll decide.
  • I used to think showing TV shows on planes was weird, but it has a strange pacifying effect that makes you feel at home more than you probably want to admit.
  • The once proud career of flight attendant has devolved into being a glorified snack-bar attendant and trash collector.
  • The 8-pound fall issue of Vogue magazine only yields about 10 pages of interesting content, which can be easily torn out and the rest given to the flight attendant to throw away.
  • Airport food is a double-edged sword: it’s a slightly better alternative than the glorified Hot Pockets that now pass for a meal on airplanes, but you'll have to take out a second mortgage to pay for it.
  • My ass is getting way too big for the seats on the plane. Somebody better do something about that and it's NOT going to be me!
  • I am grateful that, in the face of shrinking pensions, slashed salaries, and poorer benefits, there are still pilots who care enough to get us there safely.
  • You can no longer get a pillow on any airline. Apparently, this is to halt the number of mid-air child asphyxiations by parents who have simply had it UP TO HERE!
Well, after an hour-long delay at a gate bustling with the youth of America under age 5 who have stayed up way past their bedtimes, our plane is ready to board. More tomorrow.

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