Eight Friggin' Weeks

That's how long Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have "known" each other.

And now they are getting MARRIED? And she thinks Scientology sounds "interesting"?

Katie, honey, it's one thing to admire a poster on the wall in the privacy of your teenage bedroom, but it's quite another to marry a much older, twice-divorced man with two kids. Trust me on this. It's not worth it. Not the money. Not the Eiffel Tower proposal. Not the headlines. Not the years you're going to lose.

He won't be bouncing up and down on the sofa for much longer.

Last week, David Letterman asked Katie how she and Tom met and she couldn't answer. Apparently, the PR team hadn't briefed her on the details yet so she had to improvise (this must be a skill she honed on Dawson's Creek because she was terrible at it). You'd think they would have created a more complete back story for the couple before either of them started doing TV.

How long is this charade going to last? I suspect just long enough to ruin Katie's career. Let's face it, she doesn't have a worldwide core audience she can win back with another big-budget action picture. And she's not good enough to demand a Scientology tent on the set. One of our friends nailed it when he said her performance in Batman made Kirsten Dunst in the Spiderman movies look like Meryl Streep!

I'm starting to feel tremendous respect for Penelope Cruz. Smart girl. Just long enough to make money for Vanilla Sky and then she was out. No hints at marriage, no interest in Scientology. A quick but graceful exit. Nice work, Pen.

Ah, well. Like all missteps, they end up being a valuable lesson for the future. Here's hoping you can learn from this, Katie.

Don’t sign the pre-nup. You're gonna need the money.